You have been elusive, nebulous, fair-weather, fleeting– always taking a different form. Easy to feel in times of joy and peace, but easier to question in times of struggle and confusion. I could push or let you slip away at will, only to find you again in some new curiosity or sense of wonder. As the seasons changed, you changed.
You started out as absolute truth– father, son, and spirit. It was easy to define you and sit in awe of the wonders of your love. Your plan and teachings were simple, a story and script that were easy to follow. As long as I obeyed and remained devoted, your plan would unfold and all my dreams would come true. Yours was the truth of duality– right and wrong, good and evil, darkness and light. The light, the good, the right was where I trusted I would stay.
I came to expect a lot from you, and there was darkness anyway. Dreams fell apart, angels turned away, destruction took hold, anguish drowning out all else. All my prayers you wouldn’t answer, or would answer with the opposite. Voices, influences, realities and questions swirling around and within me. I lost you, gave up on you, turned from you, embittered. I simply couldn’t prove that you were real, only my existence and my consciousness.
If I could carry my consciousness into other realms, I could unravel the mystery of self. Pleasure, ecstasy, death of ego– kicking down the doors and blasting open the walls of perception became my new spiritual calling. I found you in the lips of a new lover’s kiss. I felt you in the visceral impact of sub-harmonic frequencies. I found you in collective celebrations of humanity. I found you in the wonder and beauty of nature– in quiet forests, stark desert landscapes, beaches at sunset.
It was never enough to satisfy my yearning. All these experiences and stories I was collecting could never make me whole. But then I took a yoga class. Started meditating a bit. Read some books. Discovered some faiths, traditions, philosophies and practices where I could catch a glimpse of peace. If I just filled myself up with that stuff with discipline, I could fix myself and show everyone else they were wrong so they would do what I do.
But there was never any consistency. I’d fall in and fall out, worshiping and blaming the practices or lack thereof for my triumphs and persistent problems. How could I have trust or faith in a power such as you?
The answer is simple. You were me.
